The Top 5 Worst Jumanji Rolls

16 11 2008

Let’s face it guys, Jumanji was an amazing movie.  It’s easily in my list of Top 2 greatest board game based movies of all time (after Clue® of course).  I’m still livid that Robin Williams didn’t get an Oscar for his performance as a mentally handi-capped child stuck in a grown man’s body… OK fine I’ll admit it, I didn’t even watch the movie.  But I saw the Spanish movie trailer for it online the other day and I think that I got the gist of it.  And from what I saw it looked like the director took a dump all over this movie.  It’s pretty obvious that the he held back on some of the things that the game spit out.  I mean quicksand and venus fly traps are kind of scary but they aren’t even in the same league as electrified swamp monsters or Snake-men.  So I’ve compiled a list of the 5 absolute worst things that could possibly come out of Jumanji.  If you can come up with something worse than these puppies leave it in the comments.

jumanji

.


.

.
jumanji5

.

Translation:
You’re paralyzed from the waist down and you’re now confined to a wheelchair.

This sucks because:
You have to play the rest of the game in a wheelchair.  I’m sure there must be a warning label somewhere on the Jumanji box that explicitly states that the handicapped should not under any circumstances play Jumanji.  And I should’t really have to go on anymore about why being handicapped while playing Jumanji sucks, but I will.  Playing Jumanji in a wheelchair is great if you are getting chased by a monster down a perfectly smooth and straight road, but completely sucks for just about every other situation imaginable.  Especially if it starts raining in your house and the second floor of your house isn’t wheelchair accessible.  Or if the game spawns a magnet monster.

magnet-monster

.



.

jumanji4

.
Translation:
You’re about to be the proud father/mother of beautiful baby boy.

This sucks because:
Good luck trying to explain this one to your mom.  Given 9 months notice, most women aren’t even prepared to give birth.  So unless you’ve been religiously doing your Keigels you’re going to be vastly under-prepared.  Not to mention a game of Jumanji is no kind of world to be bringing a child into.  And let’s just hope you’re not a guy.  If you are I’m not quite sure how it’s is going to work, either you butt is gonna hurt a lot or your penis is gonna hurt way more.  Either way you’re in for a world of pain.  But hey, look at the bright side, you just had an immaculate conception.  Maybe you’ll get your very own religion out of this after all.

pregnant

.


.

jumanji3

.
Translation:
Its a monkey with a grenade.  Make your time.

This sucks because:
Sweet Jesus, the Jumanji gods must really hate you.  There are few things in the world worse than letting a monkey get his hands on a grenade.  Monkeys are completely unpredictable, and that’s exactly what makes them so scary.  You have absolutely no idea what he’s gonna do with it.  Is he gonna throw it at you?  Is he gonna eat it?  Is he gonna give you a hug only to then pull the pin behind your back?  None of those obviously, because I just got done telling you how unpredictable they are.  Even the monkey doesn’t know what he’s gonna do.  And you might try to reason with him to hand over the grenade, but then you remember: He’s A Fucking Monkey.  I’m sure most of you are probably thinking that this whole concept of a monkey with a grenade is kinda preposterous and not really all that scary.  But let me ask you this; have you ever met anyone that’s actually seen a monkey with a grenade?  My point exactly.

crazy_monkey


.jumanji2

.
Translation:
Your inappropriate uncle is about to pay you a visit.

This sucks because:
OK, so maybe this isn’t the scariest thing to ever come out of the Jumanji board, but it’s definitely the creepiest.  Not only are they sending you your least favorite uncle, but he’s also the uncle who always gets in trouble at the family reunions for making the kids reach into his pocket to get a loli-pop.  He’s probably gonna try to butter you up like he always does by taking you to the candy store and buying you your favorite candy (bubble gum cigarettes).  Then he’ll probably take a different way home that seems to take way longer than it did on the way there, and yet claim its a shortcut.  He’ll probably pull the car up to a secluded park and say that he’s meeting his old friend Fred O’Malley for his weekly game of chess.  He’ll tell you to follow him and the next thing you know you’re living at home with you parents writing some demented blog — haha I’m only kidding, you’ll end up writing some awesome blog.

creepy_guy


.
jumanji1

.
Translation:
Chuck Norris is coming to murder you.

This sucks because:

This is worse than Van Pelt the hunter from the movie on so many levels. Chuck Norris’ guns may not shoot bullets but they’re a hell of a lot more accurate than Van Pelt’s.  Van Pelt shot off probably somewhere around 50 rounds in the movie and he didn’t hit shit.  He couldn’t even shoot the 8-year old little boy and girl in the movie.  This is normally the point at which I would suggest that you begin furiously rolling the dice to try to finish the game, but thats impossible because Chuck Norris killed you a while ago.

chuck_norris

.

.

Honorable Mentions: Robots, Bears, Horny Vampires, A Heart-attack, Two Heart-attacks, A Woman on her period, and Robotic Bears (obviously)

.

.

cyborg-bears

Advertisements

Actions

Information

2 responses

16 11 2008
Rick Boyer

A friend of mine just emailed me one of your articles from a while back. I read that one a few more. Really enjoy your blog. Thanks

18 11 2012
Chuck sucks

Chuck Norris is a pussy and sucks

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s




%d bloggers like this: