Pillow Talk (11/16/2008)

16 11 2008

When you cuddle with a woman its called spooning.  But when you cuddle with an overweight woman, I call that ladeling.

Every time I see a shooting star I always wish for a fresh, new set of legs so that I could run faster.  Just imagine how fast I would be with four legs!

I bet Gummy bears are great dancers.. but probably the worst Jenga players

Some guy tried to convince me the other day that if you lock 100 monkeys in a room with typewriters for a million years that they would eventually be able to reproduce all of the works of Shakspeare.  I doubt that though.  I bet you’d just have a room full of dead monkeys.

You wouldn’t know this about me without me telling you but I actually have really long balls.  Its not as bad as it seems though.  I mean it has it’s ups and downs.  For example, when I sit on the toilet my balls touch the water a little bit.  But on the plus side, it’s true what they say: chicks dig the long balls.

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Pillow Talk (10/7/2008)

7 10 2008

Some people say that variety is the spice of life, but they have it all wrong.  The spice of life is sex.  And the spice of sex is variety…or a greased up tuba player

If you’re working at a clothing store, a good prank to pull on someone with X-ray vision is to not actually put the clothes they bought into their bag.  They see through clothes so they can’t tell the difference… well, i guess its not as much a prank as it is robbery.  Update: This prank works even better on blind people!

People’s reaction when someone is beating a horse with a stick is really dependent on what happens after the beating.  If blood comes out then everybody cries, but if an assortment of candy and confetti comes out everybody laughs and runs to go get it.  And if both come out.. well, let’s just hope that never happens again.

They came out with a new product that is a mixture of peanut butter and jelly inside the same jar to try to save people time.  I decided to try it out for the first time yesterday and it didn’t really save me that much time.  If they really wanted to save me time they could have just told me not to eat it and spooned a little bit into my pants.

Pirates sure do like booty a lot.  I mean I like butts too but not nearly as much as they do.  I guess thats why they call them butt pirates.





Pillow Talk (9/16/2008)

16 09 2008

I think a good rule of thumb is that once you drop something in dirty toilet water you should just leave it there.  But then again rules are made to be broken and sandwiches are made to be eaten.

I was riding the bus the other day when we veered off of the road and hit an old woman on the sidewalk.  And, of course, everybody on the bus started yelling and screaming.  Which is fine I guess..  I just really hate it when passengers try to tell me how to drive the bus.

Scientists say some lions can run up to 40 mph.  I guess the other lions still haven’t converted to the metric system.

I liked my moms food a lot better when I was younger, but she made the same thing every night.. milk

People always say that it takes a village to raise a child, but what they never tell you is that it takes The Village People to raise a gay child.

Ive always wanted to get a life-like kangaroo suit and enter a kangaroo race.  As soon as the race started I bet a lot of people would be like, “Hey, that kangaroo runs just like a human.”  I think I would probably lose the race by a lot, but at least nobody would know I was drunk.